Letting Go of the Need to Please: Breaking Free from the Fear of Disappointing Others
Do you find yourself constantly worried about letting others down? Do you feel overwhelmed by the pressure to meet everyone’s expectations, often at the cost of your own well-being? You’re not alone.
For many high-functioning professionals, the fear of disappointing others can be a pervasive, anxiety-inducing challenge. Whether it's at work, in relationships, or within family dynamics, the pressure to always say “yes” and please others can be overwhelming. This tendency to prioritize others’ needs and desires over your own is often linked to people-pleasing behavior—a pattern that’s driven by the deep-seated fear of rejection or disappointment.
At the heart of people-pleasing lies a complex emotional response called fawning. This is a lesser-known aspect of the body’s fight-or-flight system, where, instead of fighting or fleeing, we try to appease the perceived threat (in this case, the fear of disappointing others). In this blog, we’ll explore the ways that people-pleasing, fawning, and fear of disappointing others show up in your life, and how somatic therapy can help you address these deeply ingrained patterns, regain your sense of agency, and ultimately cultivate healthier boundaries.
What Is People-Pleasing and Fawning?
To understand how people-pleasing and fawning manifest in our lives, it’s important to first explore the fight-flight-freeze stress response. When faced with a perceived threat, our nervous system kicks into gear, preparing us to either fight the threat, flee from it, or freeze and play dead. But there’s a lesser-known fourth response: fawning.
Fawning occurs when we subconsciously shift our behavior to “appease” the person or situation that feels threatening. Rather than assert ourselves, we go into overdrive trying to keep others happy to avoid conflict or rejection. While this may seem like a survival mechanism, it ultimately leaves us feeling drained, disconnected from ourselves, and vulnerable to burnout.
Some common traits of people-pleasing and fawning include:
Saying “yes” to everything, even when it’s not in your best interest.
Neglecting your own needs to meet the demands of others.
Suppressing your true feelings to maintain peace or avoid conflict.
Fear of rejection or disapproval that drives your actions.
Overfunctioning to manage others’ emotions or expectations.
While these behaviors may provide short-term relief, they are unsustainable in the long term. Over time, you may begin to feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even numb to your own desires and needs.
How Fawning and People-Pleasing Contribute to Anxiety and Stress
The constant cycle of people-pleasing creates a state of chronic anxiety. You’re continuously worrying about what others think of you, whether you’re meeting expectations, or if you’re going to disappoint someone. Your nervous system is constantly on high alert, preparing for possible rejection or criticism.
When you’re in a constant state of fawning, your body is often in “fight-or-flight” mode, even if there’s no immediate danger. The result is a cascade of physical symptoms like:
Increased heart rate
Shallow breathing
Tension in the shoulders, neck, and jaw
Digestive issues or tightness in the stomach
Headaches or dizziness
These physical manifestations of stress create a vicious cycle: as you constantly try to please others, your body responds with heightened anxiety, which then fuels more of the same behavior.
Using Somatic Practices to Break Free from Fawning and People-Pleasing
The key to addressing the fear of disappointing others is developing awareness of how your body responds to these triggers. Somatic therapy, which focuses on the connection between the mind and body, is incredibly effective in helping you heal from the anxiety caused by people-pleasing behavior. By learning to recognize physical tension, emotional triggers, and nervous system responses, you can begin to shift out of the fawning response and re-establish a sense of safety within yourself.
Here are some somatic practices that can help you break free from people-pleasing and fawning:
1. Body Scanning: Identifying Tension
One of the first steps in somatic therapy is learning to listen to your body. A body scan is a simple but powerful technique that can help you identify areas of tension and discomfort that are linked to stress or anxiety. As you begin to scan your body, you’ll likely notice a variety of sensations i.e. tightness in your chest, stomach, or throat—common areas where people hold emotional tension. To assist you, I’ve created this helpful Sensation Word Bank to help identify sensation words. Use this Body Map Worksheet to assist you in your body scan.
How to Practice:
Sit or lie down in a comfortable space.
Start at your feet and mentally scan your body, moving up toward your head.
Ask yourself the following questions, “What am I noticing in body right now?”, “As I notice this sensation, what happens next?”, “Is it OK to stay with this sensation and if so, what emotion or feeling is attached to it?”
By bringing awareness to your body’s response to people-pleasing, you can create space for healing and self-awareness.
2. Mindful Breathing: Activating the Parasympathetic Nervous System
When we’re in a state of fawning or people-pleasing, our breath tends to become shallow and rapid, signaling to our body that we’re in danger. Mindful breathing helps to calm the nervous system, shift out of fight-or-flight mode, and bring us back into the present moment.
How to Practice:
Find a quiet space and sit with your feet flat on the ground.
Inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four, and then exhale slowly for four.
Repeat this pattern for several minutes, focusing on the sensation of your breath moving in and out.
This practice is called box breathing and helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting a state of calm and grounding. Use this Box Breathing Visual to help you practice.
3. Grounding: Reconnecting with Your Center
When we’re caught up in the fear of disappointing others, it’s easy to feel disconnected from ourselves. Grounding exercises help you reconnect with your body and the present moment, making it easier to set boundaries and say “no” without guilt.
How to Practice:
Stand or sit comfortably with your feet firmly planted on the ground.
Visualize roots extending from the soles of your feet deep into the earth.
Take a few deep breaths, feeling the support of the earth beneath you.
As you breathe, feel yourself becoming more stable and centered.
This practice can help you feel more secure in your decisions and reduce the compulsion to people-please.
The Path Forward: Embracing Self-Worth and Healthy Boundaries
Overcoming the fear of disappointing others and breaking free from people-pleasing behavior takes time, patience, and consistent practice. The more you reconnect with your body and nervous system through somatic practices, the easier it will become to recognize when you're falling into old patterns. By learning to prioritize your own needs and setting healthy boundaries, you’ll be able to navigate relationships more authentically and confidently.
If you’re ready to stop living in fear of disappointing others and start showing up as your authentic self, therapy—whether through somatic practices or CBT—can provide the support you need. Together, we’ll work on building a healthier, more empowered relationship with yourself and others.
Reach out today to start your journey toward healing and self-empowerment.