Anxious Attachment in Relationships: Understanding your Patterns and How to Heal

If you’ve ever found yourself constantly questioning whether your partner really loves you, or maybe you obsess over every little text message and cling to a relationship for emotional validation, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with anxious attachment. It’s that anxious, overwhelming feeling that can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationships. And guess what? You’re not alone.

Anxious attachment is one of the most common attachment styles, but it’s rarely talked about in the way it truly impacts our lives—especially when it comes to dating, friendships, and emotional well-being. In today’s world of swipe culture and casual dating, the intensity of these feelings can get magnified. This expression of attachment is often viewed as 'clingy,' 'annoying,' and 'needy.’ But don’t worry, there are ways to start to re-pattern and find healthier, more balanced connections.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment stems from early childhood experiences and often manifests as a fear of abandonment or rejection. If you grew up with inconsistent emotional support or unpredictability from caregivers, you may have developed a need for constant reassurance in your adult relationships. This attachment style can lead to patterns of overthinking, emotional highs and lows, and often, the feeling of being “too much.”

In relationships, it looks like this: you might be afraid that your partner isn’t as invested as you are, so you cling harder or get anxious when they’re not around. Your mind races through worst-case scenarios—what if they’re pulling away, what if I’m not enough, what if I ruin everything? It’s exhausting, and it can feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster that’s impossible to get off.

How It Shows Up in Dating and Relationships

The fear of abandonment that comes with anxious attachment can create chaos in dating, especially when you're trying to navigate casual relationships. You might catch yourself spiraling into limerence, that intense, obsessive focus on someone you’re dating, where every word they say feels loaded with meaning. Every time they don’t respond right away, your mind might race with fears of rejection. Your self-worth becomes tangled with their approval or affection.

It doesn’t end in dating. Anxious attachment impacts friendships, too. You might constantly worry about being “left out” or not being as important to someone as they are to you. This can lead to oversharing, seeking constant reassurance, or trying too hard to please. And when you're already feeling emotionally drained from your romantic life, this constant seeking of validation can leave you feeling even more depleted.

How Somatic Therapy and CBT Can Help You Cope

If this sounds familiar, you’re probably wondering: How can I break free from these patterns? The good news is, somatic therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you regulate those intense emotions, break the cycle of overthinking, and build healthier relationships.

1. Grounding and Somatic Awareness:
When you feel that anxiety rise, your nervous system goes into overdrive. Your body reacts before your mind does, making you feel even more out of control. One of the best ways to deal with this is to ground yourself in the present moment.

Practice: Take a moment to check in with your body. Focus on your breath. Try a simple grounding technique like noticing five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This pulls you back into your body and out of your head, where anxiety and overthinking thrive. Use this Sensation Word Bank to help you capture the sensations you are experiencing in your body.

2. Cognitive Restructuring (CBT):
CBT helps you challenge those automatic thoughts that feed your anxiety. Instead of immediately thinking your partner is pulling away or that your friends are mad at you, you can learn to reframe your thoughts.

Practice: When you catch yourself spiraling into worst-case scenarios (e.g., “they’re not texting me back; they must not like me anymore”), try to ask yourself: What’s the evidence for this thought? What’s the worst that could happen? and What’s a more balanced or rational way of thinking about this situation?

By using CBT tools to identify and change these patterns, you can stop giving in to anxious thoughts that lead to unproductive emotional responses.

3. Emotion Regulation Techniques:
Managing intense emotions is crucial for anyone with anxious attachment. The key is learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings without acting impulsively or obsessively. Somatic practices, like deep breathing and body scanning, can help calm your nervous system before you act on your anxious thoughts.

Practice: When you feel overwhelmed, pause. Take a deep breath. Then, try a body scan from head to toe. Notice where you feel tension, tightness, or discomfort. Breathe into those areas and slowly release the tension. Check in with yourself and ask the question, ‘what do I need right now?’ This will help regulate your emotions, creating space for clearer, more grounded thinking while helping you sort out what to do next.

4. Self-Compassion and Building Self-Worth:
Anxious attachment often comes with low self-esteem. You may struggle with the belief that you're not “enough” or that others won’t value you unless you're constantly giving to them. Building your self-worth is key to overcoming this.

Practice: Practice self-compassion. When you notice negative self-talk creeping in (e.g., “I’m not lovable” or “I’m too needy”), counter it with something kind. Remind yourself of your strengths, talents, and what makes you unique. Try to practice this every day.

5. Avoiding Limerence (and Unhealthy Obsession):
Limerence—the obsessive, idealized thinking about a person—can feel like an emotional high but often leads to deep lows. It can drive you to act out of alignment with your values and place your self-worth in someone else's hands.

Practice: Take a step back. Remind yourself that no one person can complete you or is responsible for your happiness. Focus on your hobbies, goals, and self-care. By learning to redirect your energy toward your own personal growth, you’ll find more balance and stability in your relationships.

The Takeaway: It’s Possible to Break Free from Anxious Attachment

While breaking free from anxious attachment takes time and effort, it’s absolutely possible. With the right tools, like somatic practices and CBT, you can begin to regulate your emotions, reduce anxiety, and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The next time you feel that anxiety creeping in or start overthinking your relationship dynamics, remember to breathe, reframe your thoughts, and check in with your body. Over time, you’ll start to create a new narrative for your relationships—one that’s grounded in self-love, emotional regulation, and a balanced sense of worth.

If you're ready to take the next step in healing your anxious attachment style, I’m here to help. Let’s work together to explore somatic therapy and CBT techniques that can support you in building stronger, healthier connections. Reach out today to start your journey toward more balanced, fulfilling relationships.